The other day I got an email from a close family member. She asked me how I was doing so I told her. I described my incredible Friday night in detail, making sure to sound as positive and upbeat as possible. Then I mentioned my health issues. In one sentence I told her that I’m not feeling so great and a fourth surgery is probably going to be inevitable. The gist of my email was uplifting and optimistic. No matter what is happening to my body, I still have so much to look forward to- both in this life and in the life to come.
Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to see the glass as half full. This family member that I love so much also suffers from chronic pain. The difference between her and me (her and I?) is that she stays in a perpetual state of negativity and depression. No matter how much I try and point her toward the Light and happy, feel-good thoughts she continues to remain stuck in the mud with Morla, the Ancient One. Like Morla, she seems to be allergic to joy. For obvious reasons, I can’t be around this person for very long.
Chronic pain is debilitating, depressing, and exhausting. It messes with every aspect of the human body. It causes major grouchiness, feelings of despair and hopelessness, and an overall dark cloud over the sufferer. Medication may or may not ease the discomfort but there is only one thing that can penetrate the cobwebs in the mind. When a person chooses to walk with Jesus and chooses to see beyond his or herself, chronic pain becomes more of a nuisance than a way of life.
I have had a rough few weeks. I’ve been doubled over in pain, weak, and flat out exhausted. I have snapped at my husband, yelled at my child, and gone to bed crying. Despite the bad moods, I have also had incredible joy and peace in the midst of my pain. I see God working and answering prayers and I am amazed at his love for me. It’s not all bad and I make it a point to write down every good thing so that I can look back and remember it when I hit a rough patch. I refuse to allow my body or what it does keep me from finishing my race. I refuse to become best friends with Morla or allow the Nothing to hunt me down and capture me. It simply will not happen.
In this life we are going to have troubles and the pain is going to come. We are not guaranteed sunshine and daisies; we are only promised that we won’t go through it alone. Today I am one step closer to meeting my hero. In spite of my weakened body, there’s still a lot of bounce in me yet. The butterflies are dancing in my spirit as I rest and wait for my turn to come.
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So that’s what it’s like. That’s what I have to look forward to. Oh wow. It is 12:04 on a Saturday morning and I am wide awake. An hour and a half ago I got home from a place I didn’t even know I was going to go. A good friend of mine had two concert tickets to see one of my favorite performers. She had planned to see the show with her husband who opted out at the last minute. She called me just four hours before people started lining up and invited me to go with her. Because her husband gave his ticket away, I was presented with a wonderful opportunity to see one of my hero live on stage just ten minutes away from my house. Thrilled does not quite describe how I felt.
We arrived at the concert and were truly blessed. Just being there surrounded by so many others who adored this guy like I did was a gift in itself. I was exactly where I wanted to be- not because I asked and not because I deserved to be there. I was there simply because the gift was offered to me and I said yes. Everything was amazing. We worshipped God, we laughed, and we cried. When it was all over I could have easily gone home happy just for the experience that it was. Then we got in another line.
When I realized that I was about to meet one of my heroes I suddenly felt very nervous, out of place, and unattractive. In my wildest imagination I would have never expected to do this. I had the opportunity to tell him how much his music has touched me and what a great influence it is in my life. I thanked him for coming to my own little world and blessing me with his gift of songwriting. Then he shook my hand, posed in an awkward picture and signed my t-shirt. When I asked God to comfort me this week, I can honestly say that He outdid Himself this time.
As I sit here writing about this experience (because who could sleep after all that?) I cannot get past this one thing. I find it utterly astounding that this night seems to be a glimpse into my future. Some day when I least expect it I am going to be invited to the greatest concert in the history of the world. I am going to stand with others like me and worship my Creator surrounded by the most wonderful music. Then when I least expect it I am going to come face to face with Jesus, my ultimate hero face to face. I am going to have the chance to look him in the eye and tell him how much he means to me and thank him for the powerful influence that he has been in my life. I am going to thank him for coming to my home, a place in the middle of nowhere with less than desirable weather conditions. I now fully understand that there is so much to look forward to on a day when I least expect it. Not only will I look in the eyes of a man I admire, I will look into the face of God and tell him exactly what He means to me. I simply cannot wait.
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Now that the flowers and chocolates have been devoured and admired, life can finally get back to normal after V-day. For all the married folk, Valentine’s Day was a glorified excuse to get frisky in the bedroom or pampered and spoiled. The embittered single person deemed the holiday “Singles Awareness Day” and the happily attached preferred to swoon in their intoxicated smooch fest after hours. Personally, I am thankful that the day is behind us for the simple fact that I can build up my bank account before the next wave of holiday hype is upon us. Thankfully, it’s almost over, folks. Easter is the last major holiday until July. God bless America.
I suppose I should apologize if I sound cynical. I have no reason to be sad or bitter about anything because I am married and I did receive my fair share of pampering this weekend. I have a good man and I’m thankful for him. However, I couldn’t help but feel some grief for those who spent the day in solitude. I have many people in my life who are either not attached to anyone significant or simply cannot be with the one they love at this time. Honestly, it breaks my heart and if you’re one of those who celebrated Singles Awareness Day yesterday, I was thinking of you and praying for you.
Yesterday morning I read in the book of Genesis about Rachel and Leah, two sisters married to the same man. The situation was quite dysfunctional, even by today’s standards. While my devotional centered on the character of Rachel and her sorrows and joys, I could not help but feel drawn toward her sister, Leah. Leah was the unloved wife, the one battling for her husband’s affections. Rachel had Jacob but Leah had children and that made Rachel exceedingly jealous. Not only was Leah vying for her husband’s love, she had to deal with her sister’s raging jealousy over child rearing.
She strived to make Jacob love her by breeding sons but she would never feel good enough. Her sorrow consumed her and the only way she knew to deal with it was to keep bearing children. Out of Leah’s sorrow and anger she taunted her younger sister, watching Rachel writhe with her own inner demons. She probably missed their friendship and I imagine she felt quite alone in the world. Surrounded by people she loved, she herself remained unloved, even hated. My heart breaks for her and every woman like her.
For the woman who feels not good enough, alone, and in constant competition with the world, my heart cries. I understand the agonizing pain of not feeling good enough, of being surrounded by people and feeling completely alone in the world. I understand and so too, does the Lord your God. His name is Jesus and he too has known the pain of solitude.
On the day he hung on the cross, his heart cried out, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me!” At that moment he understood loneliness more than any other human being on the planet. Separated from the love of his Father, friends, and family Jesus was alone, broken, and completely despondent. It would be three long days before he could return to love again. When he did, he made a way for each of us to go there with him.
Because Jesus suffered in his loneliness he made a way for us to be wholly, completely loved in ours. Unlike most men, he keeps every single promise, he always wants to hear to you talk, and he truly listens to everything you say. His love is more perfect, more real and lasting than any other. In His eyes you always good enough, always beautiful and you are always loved completely, madly, and infinitely. In a world full of ugly green frogs, He makes a darn good Prince.
Yesterday I grieved for the grieving but today I am rejoicing in God my Savior. Care to join me?
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Lately it seems like I am surrounded by things that are beyond my control. Loved ones are grieving for senseless tragedies, home mortgages are going belly up, and there is a general feeling of quiet chaos. The snow storms across the country seem to be an allegory for my life right now. Baby, it’s dang cold outside.
I have never lived through a tornado warning so I don’t know what people do when a massive storm like that barrels through a city. From what I understand from watching The Wizard of Oz, the best thing to do is hit the basement and ride the thing out. So that’s what I’ve decided to do. This week I’ve been taking shelter in my basement and I am riding out the storms in my life. On my knees, in my prayer closet and away from falling debris, I am safe from the torrential havoc that is everywhere. I am shutting out the noise so that I can be still before the God that is so much bigger than I can comprehend. I am watching, I am waiting, and I am listening for a sign that it’s ok to come out into the sunlight again.
Psalm 25
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in you; let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
Indeed, let no one who waits on you be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.
Show me your ways, O Lord;
Teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
For you are the God of my salvation;
On you I wait all the day.
Remember O Lord, your tender mercies and your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth,
Nor my transgressions;
According to your mercy remember me,
For your goodness’ sake, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord;
Therefore he teaches sinners in the way.
The humble he guides in justice,
And the humble he teaches his way.
All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth,
To such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.
For your name’s sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
Who is the man that fears the Lord?
Him shall he teach in the way he chooses.
He himself shall dwell in prosperity, and his descendants
Shall inherit the earth.
The secret of the Lord is with those who fear him,
And he will show them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
For he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain, and forgive all my sins.
Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
Keep my soul, and deliever me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in you.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.
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