The Beginning

I've been going through my old journals lately and stumbled across this one by accident. I find it fascinating that as sick as I was, I still have a tendency to hang on to wrong thinking. I am allowed to forgive myself because God already did.

January 9, 1998

Hi Patty-
It was really nice to visit with you last night. You are such a warm, caring person. You’re also very thoughtful and I loved the presents you gave me. I’m looking forward to seeing you today even though I am exhausted. I requested for them to change my medicine for the morning. Maybe I shouldn’t have switched roommates so fast. My roommate snores and she sleeps all the time. I don’t know how much sleep I got but it wasn’t much.

I talked to a nurse today and told her how I got in here. She said it was very smart of me to call. It shows intelligence because I know it’s wrong to kill myself and I made the necessary steps. I was writing about all the things I miss about home- my perfume, my music, my jewelry. These are all things that I value. They’re signatures of me. I think there’s a part of me that is so stubborn, I refuse to admit that there is good about me, even things that are lovable. I think maybe I don’t want to admit it because then I’d have to deal with all the bad things I’ve done. It’s all really complicated. Anyway, I hope that while I’m here I get the help I need. If I don’t I’ll go crazy.

I talked with a nurse a few minutes ago and learned something really interesting. She told me that because of the abuse, not having a middle ground and not being allowed to make mistakes it would be natural for me to beat myself up when I do screw up. I knew this but what was interesting was what she said next. I am at a fork in the road and I am starting to realize that it is ok to make big mistakes. It doesn’t mean that I am not worth something or that I have to lay down and die. I’m starting to understand that I’m still a good person that is allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven. I can forgive myself because this is not the person I am or want to be. There is a gray area and I’m finding it. Maybe getting here has taught me that I am not going to quit because I happen to be human. I’m going to live and I will be ok.