Cow Tipping

I had a conversation on facebook earlier that was so entertaining I decided to share it. I’m from a big city. I grew up on a busy city street and went to sleep to the sound of cars whizzing by my house at all hours of the night. There were four different shopping malls and high rises fifteen minutes away in any direction. As a teenager, public transportation was a way of life for me until I learned to drive. When I moved to my current home town at 17 years old, I don’t think I was prepared for the culture shock. I went to one of the only high schools in town (the third one hadn’t been built yet). I eventually resigned myself to the fact that on the way to and from school I was going to see roadkill. Even worse, that roadkill was probably not a dog or a cat. The public bus came once every hour, not once every fifteen minutes. The slower pace, the unique clothing styles, and the bizarre quiet left me feeling like I had unwrapped a new present- only to find Grandma’s old underwear.

Eventually I got used to my new surroundings and learned to feel right at home. I enjoy the quiet so much now that I really can’t imagine living in a big city. All the extra noise would make it hard to concentrate and I like the fact that the grocery store, the mall, and the high school are no more than 30 minutes away combined. When the police get a burglary call 5 cops show up at the residence with guns drawn. The guy at the video store can ring me up by name without having to look in his computer and if I don’t show up at Raley’s on Monday, all the baggers want to know where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. Most of my surrounding area is farmland. On the way to church I see cows every morning and now when I drive past a road pizza I can tell you exactly what it was before it met its demise.

After more than a decade of country life, I thought I had conformed pretty well until today. Then I drove Alice home. I was doing 50 miles per hour on a two lane road when suddenly I had to slow waaaay down. There was something big and black smack in the middle of the road. I looked at my aging companion and said, “I think that’s a cow! I think that’s a cow in the road!” She quietly nodded her head and said yes that was cow. I slowed almost to a stop thinking that the animal was going to get the hint and mosey eastward. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I cautiously swerved around the beast still staring at it in the rear view mirror. After I made sure Alice arrived at home safely, I drove a little slower going home. Thankfully, Clara the Cow had decided to lunch elsewhere by then and I didn’t have to try and avoid a collision. My conversation with my more countrified friends is as follows.

(Me) I was shocked- the guy just stood there and if I hadn't slowed down I would have hit him. Stupid cow. I should have gotten out and tipped him over. I think it was a girl anyway.

(Deb) LOL.. I think cow-tipping is illegal as well as running them over. Although.... I am thinking it would have been awesome to be a fly on a wall and see you tip a cow.

(Me) Here's how it would play out if I were actually dumb enough to attempt such thing-

Me: (walks cautiously toward inconsiderate beast) "Um, hey would you mind moving your big, fat behind? I'm trying to drive here!"
Cow: "Yeah, I don't see that happening. I was here first. You move."
Me: "Well, see I have a grandma in the car with me and I need to get her home. I don't want this to get ugly so please just kindly move out of the way and nobody will get hurt."
Cow: Like I said. I was here first. If you are in such a hurry, you will get back in that big metal thing and go around me. I'm having my third lunch here and I'd like to eat in peace."
Me: "Ok, you leave me no choice." (Walks over to inconsiderate beast and slowly extends right hand toward stomach area.
Cow: Gives me the stink eye.
Me: Softly nudges beast and jumps back ten feet.
Cow: Gives me the stink eye. Takes one step forward.
Me: Extends right arm, turns around to see Alice laughing hysterically in front seat, and gets back in car.
Cow: Takes another step forward for posterity. Is that thing laughing?
Me: Guns the engine and burns rubber. Cow is a small, smiling dot on the horizon.

(My baby sister, Kristina (born and raised here) haha...try going for a run through Contra Loma and encountering one of those....trust me, cows run cross country too.

So while I may have tried to convince myself that I have acclimated to country life, there are still some things that I will never get used to. Driving around a stubborn cow in the middle of a two lane road is something I can’t wrap my city-minded brain around. I’m just glad I don’t run cross country.